i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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