hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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