You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
