Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
