i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
