Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
