Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
