did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
