o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
