I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
