Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
