The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
