Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
