i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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