Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
