I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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