i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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