can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
