i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
