The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
