My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
