Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
