Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
