You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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