see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
