You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
