Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
