The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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