you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I love you. Go after that dick
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
