I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
