Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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