wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's blow job season.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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