Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
