i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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