Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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