I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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