i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
