Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
