his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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