Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
