yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
