My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
