I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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