hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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