I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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