He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
