When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
