Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
