just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
a search helicopter?!
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize