Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my mouth tastes like poor choices
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
