Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
