i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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