420 ftw
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
