I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
