Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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