I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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