You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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