Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
