WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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