he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
